“You’re getting rid of me in a few hours,” I announced to my baby sister as I grabbed a magazine off of Zac’s coffee table and flopped down on the couch in the living room. Gen was perched in an armchair flipping through the channels on the television screen.
“Good,” she muttered settling on a music channel.
I threw the magazine down on the table making a big noise. I uncrossed my leg and sat at the edge of the couch. “Turn off the TV, Zoë.”
My sister didn’t listen to me. I started to get frustrated. “Zoë, will you listen to me, please?” Still no response even though I had raised my voice slightly. I was using my daddy-voice on her and I wasn’t getting a reaction, which annoyed me. My daughter always knew that I was serious when I talked to her using that tone of voice. What as I thinking comparing her to my daughter? She was my sister, I could raise my voice at her and not feel guilty.
“ZOE GENIEVE HANSON!” I shouted. “Turn off the God damned television and listen to me will ya!?!” My face was turning red with anger and I had to take a few breaths in order to calm down. Gen switched off the TV screen and turned around in the armchair. It occurred to me that I had probably scared the living daylights out of her by screaming like that but I didn’t care. I wanted to talk to her and she was going to talk to me, like it or not.
“What, Taylor?” She hissed. “You’ve got my attention, now what is it that you want from me?”
“I don’t want anything FROM you,” I told her. “I want to know what it is about me that you don’t like.” My sister didn’t answer. She starred right through me. I sighed. “Gen, me and you are getting over this RIGHT now. I can’t stand this anymore. What did I do that was so wrong? What was it that made you suddenly decide not to like me? And I KNOW it wasn’t the marriage. Was it the kids? How come you like Isaac and not me? He has a wife and kids as well and you LOVE him. Zoë, we used to do things together, me and you. What did I do wrong? Can you tell me? Please...?” I begged. She didn’t answer but I saw her swallow hard. “Zoë, please. I want to fix this. Can I fix it? Please, Gen.”
I let it go at that. It was obvious she wasn’t going to answer. She would storm out of the room any minute and I wouldn’t see her again until Clare and I came to visit Tulsa again. I picked up the magazine I was looking at and re-crossed my leg on my left knee.
“You moved away,” a small voice chimed up about five minutes later. I looked up, startled. Gen was crying. “You moved to NY.”
I put the magazine down slowly. “Is that the reason?”
“Shut up, Taylor!” She snapped. “Just shut up for once and let me talk, all right?” I nodded. “I remember how we used to do things together. I remember your wedding, and wearing the white dress... I remember scattering flower petals around the aisle at the church and thinking to myself ‘this is my brother’s wedding... this is special.’ I was only six at the time but I REMEMBER. And I remember how at the reception you picked me up and turned me upside down in front of everyone because you used to do that to me all the time at home when I asked you to and even when I didn’t ask you to. I loved it so much. We had something special between the two of us, something that we shared and not anyone else.
“I remember when you danced the slow with me. The song was ‘Stand By Me’ and I still listen to that song and think about how happy I was back then. Everything was so perfect. I admit that I really don’t remember life before Isaac was married so basically you were the first brother who really ‘got married’ in my mind. I remember how you lived with us, but I don’t remember ever living with Isaac. Here’s the kicker though: you left. YOU LEFT! You moved to NY. I don’t know if you are aware to how far away that is... well, it’s thousands of miles. Isaac lives here. He is my brother because I see him practically every day. You on the other hand, you left. We had so many things we shared, so many jokes. One day you were here then the next you weren’t. You don’t know what I do during my spare time because you aren’t here to let me tell you about it. Taylor... you left me.” Gen started sobbing.
I jumped up off the couch and rushed to her chair, uncertain if she would let me touch her. Much to my surprise she put her head on my shoulder. I slid down on the arm of the chair and wrapped my arms around her. I kissed her forehead.
“You love your kids more than me!” She sniffed.
I rocked her gently. “Zoë, there are different kinds of love. Yes, I love my children but I also love my wife, and my brothers, and my parents, and YOU. I could never categorize my love for you in the same way as my love for cheese could I?”
I noticed Gen smile a little which made me smile a lot.
I held her at arm’s length and said, “See, Zo? I couldn’t could I?”
“No, you couldn’t,” she admitted.
I hugged her tightly again. “So there are different types of love and you have one of the best kinds of all... sister love. You are my sister and you will always hold a special place in my heart. Got that Zoë? Always.” I rocked her again slowly. “I’m sorry that you felt like I left you, Zo. I didn’t mean to. You have my number, right?” She nodded into my chest. “Good. I want you to call me whenever you want to talk. I didn’t leave you, Zoë. I’m your brother. I can’t leave you.” I smiled wider, “even if sometimes you really want me to.”
“I don’t ever want you to leave me, Taylor,” Gen confided nuzzling her head deeper into my chest. “Not ever.”